Tugging at my insides — January 18th, 2009
“So much is going on now but I refuse to slow down because I know time isn't going to stop for me, life isn't going to pause, and neither are my surroundings.
I don't mean to push everyone away from me but it feels like instinct to handle everything on my own. I know it seems impossible to face the world head on but i'm doing a damn good job trying.
..the worst things in life make you a stronger person, right?”
Escape the mind — January 20th, 2009.
“You would have no idea what I am going through because I am so good at hiding it.”
It’s been a month — February 1st, 2009.
”I don't believe in losing someone, because losing is forgetting. I don't believe that I could ever forget my dad, there for I am not losing him. Everywhere that I go he is with me, and will always be.”
February 2nd, 2009 — February 4th, 2009
“My dad passed away Tuesday February 2nd, 2009. He went into cardiac arrest on New years, suffered a heart attack and went through open heart surgery. He didn't wake up for a month and a day afterwords. The lack of oxygen to his brain caused brain damage.
I am relieved that he isn't suffering anymore.
My dad is my best friend, and he shaped me to be the person that I am today. I don't regret a single thing between the two of us in the past sixteen years, and I am so thankful for having someone care about me so much. I haven't lost my dad, because to me losing is forgetting. He'll always be with me. He always is with me.”
You’re still within me — March 19th, 2009
”I think it's still so surreal to me. If I had to describe it I'd say that it feels like someone came in the middle of the night and took a huge part of me and my home and left. I feel like with every note I find, every book of music my dad’s written, every drawing and with every file saved on the computer- that somewhere.. in the midst of everything.. I'll find an answer. I know that there is no answer. I know the reality. I know he isn't coming back. but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop looking for that answer. That goodbye or that "you'll be okay." I am capable of keeping my head above water but there are times when I'll catch myself starting to drown and have to shake myself out of it.
It's weird you know? they say that you don't realize how much you love someone until there gone. I don't love my dad anymore than I did before he died. I loved him the same my whole entire life. So much.”
The biggest part of me — April 20th, 2009
”The last time I ever saw my dad was in the hospital, it wasn't really my dad though. He was far gone at that point. He was on the sixteenth floor, and the entire ride on the elevator after I left was the slowest time in my entire life. I remember looking up and it the ceiling of the elevator was mirrors and it made me nautious. I remember that my mom was to the left of me. I remember the exact smell of my dads room, and the exact smell of my hand after holding my dad’s. I hate it.
I hate that I lost the most important person to me at sixteen, that I come home and he's not here anymore. That there's never going to be a hello, never going to be a goodbye, i'll never hear an i love you. It's gone. My dad is now a figment of my memory. Eventually everyone will forget, because that's what we do. we all move on, because we have to. At one point, I might be the only one who remembers him. I remember everything about him. I remember the way he walked and the sound the floor made when he was coming towards my door. I remember the way his voice sounded and the way he laughed. I remember the way his hands looked and his hair curled and every detail of his face. I remember that we used to be so happy. That, at one point, my best friend was always in the same house as me. It’'s been over two months and now he's only in my heart.”
Personal Strength — August 2009
Inner Strength — February 2nd, 2010.
“February 2nd, 2010
Today is a year since my dad died. Time goes so quick. I'm glad that tomorrow I will no longer be involved in that year. A new year starts tomorrow for me.
I miss you dad, so much.
I'm okay though.”